Trying hard to smile
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
With DENVER PRIDEFEST being last weekend one would think I would be having an easier time smiling. I had a great time shopping with my good friend Drew and BF RJ. The three of us had a great day antiquing and visiting the Denver Zoo (even though we missed it the first day cus I couldn't find my exit). Yes we missed the first 7/8 of the pride parade, but we spent more time in the park looking at things we weren't going to buy than I ever have before. All in all it was a good weekend. Work is going ok, I have awesome friends, and life is generally good.
However, something is still not correct. Maybe it is because I missed the dykes on bikes this year at the start of the parade. Maybe I needed to see the PFLAG contingency again this year. They always give me hope. But no, I think there is something bigger. Maybe I now know what my ancestors felt like when Hitler came to power. Like our several near passages of hate crimes laws they had seen the near overturn of a law making sex between consenting males illegal. Like the promise of Mary Cheney as an out advocate in the Bush/Cheney '00 ticket they had Ernst Rohm a very out gay man at Hitler's side. Now we too are seeing crack downs on our way of life. We are seeing small bones like hate crimes laws thrown our way only to see policies like abstinence only education coughed back at us. (If you care how that is Hitler-esque see my previous entry) There are counties today trying to outlaw being gay within their boundaries. Men don't carry your wife's checkbook, this has witch hunt written all over it to me. Then again, in Nazi Germany if your neighbor hated you he could say your propositioned him and away you went to prison.
I guess maybe the part that is different for me this year, is that I am not as proud to be gay as I have been in the past. Sure I still celebrate my own reasons for being proud. I have done several things in the name of GLBT rights here at UW, and I am not about to stop. (Even if the RRC decided they were going to report the findings of the GLBT studies report to the Deans and Directors without me).
The difference this year is, for the first time, I am afraid to be gay. I thought a lot harder about the last panel presentation I did than I have thought about the last 12. The political climate is changing, rapidly. People who normally would live and let live are speaking up and saying some scary things. Part of me sees the rapid moves president (no caps for a reason) G.W. Bush and other conservative leaders are making as evidence that even they know they are on their way out and want to make changes fast. They are desperate. Part of me is afraid of that very desperation.
Hold on to your seats girls, it is going to be a bumpy ride.
posted by ZEUS @ 1:58 PM, 4 comments,
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS FUCKING GOIN ON HERE?!?!?!?!?!?
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
I promised myself that I was going to be a good little employee and actually work when I got here today. FAT FUCKING CHANCE! I need a chance to rave and rant and SCREAM and I have one. I was recently forwarded an article titled, "Condom Wars: New guidelines gut HIV prevention and endanger young people's lives" by Doug Ireland. The hate and the flames and the spewing out of my EVERY PORE! Basically for anyone who his tosqueamishsh to read anything about President Bush it says that his administration is trying to create and pass legislation which would require all CDC projects and potentially all AIDS Service Organizations (ASOs) to create "abstinence only" programs. BULL FUCKING SHIT. The article also does a great job of citing two major studies that show abstinence only education DOUBLES rates of sex in young adults and #2 students surveyed who have made a vow not to have sex until heterosexual marriage are significantly less likely to protect themselves from STDs and AIDS and even pregnancy when they engage in this sex they aren't supposed to be having.
Then there's that part about how abstinence only education has never been targeted at homosexual youth. Why, because abstinance only education comes from BIGGOTED HATEMONGERS who still believe homosexuality is a DISEASE! FUCK EM! So now gay kids are never talked to about sex and they will go around having sex because it is the way the human brain is wired. And we will be right back in the 80's when people were afraid to talk to gay kids and gay kids will again start DYING EVERY FUCKING DAY. AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE US - WITH THE INFORMATION IN FRONT OF HIM REGUARDING THESE PRACTICES - WILL HAVE SANCTIONED ANOTHER HOLOCAUST OF GAY MEN! If you don't believe me, pick up the last ADVOCATE and read the article about Regan.
So here is me throwing down the gauntlet. I will be letting all of my family members know about this fucking rediculous policy. And I will couch it in conservative rhetoric backed up with psychological studies. "Grandma, Bush has got to go, otherwise he will be sanctioning abstinance only policies that have been scientifically proven to cause increased rates of unprotected teenage sex and pregnancy. More unprotected teen sex and pregnancy also means more abortions. Remember the reproductive rights issues of the 1980's that you hated - Bush will bring them back."
See that was easy.. oh and after watching Farenehit 9/11 this last week I have one more piece for Grandma, "If Bush is re-elected, I am moving away. And nobody in this country is going to see me for the next 4 years. Possibly forever. Why? Because I will not set idly by and watch him fuck up my country any longer!"
Grandma likes the fuck word.
One last note to the CDC. If you want me to follow with this type of policy you will have to come here and take away my tester-counselor license personally because to this new policy (should it pass) I say FUCK OFF!
posted by ZEUS @ 8:22 AM, 3 comments,
Bright Shiny Things
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
So I have taken a couple lovely opportunities to go outside and worship the sun. There was my nice walk behind my apartments a couple days ago. And yesterday I de-oxidized my car before putting a new coat of top of the line turtle wax on. YEAH FOR ME. My car is going to be all kinds of shiny and sparkly when I go to Denver this weekend for PRIDEFEST!
While I was working on my car the people my apartment complex hired to work on the paint this year were outside caulking the siding. MMMM Yummy shirtless boys - yet another nice shiny addition to my day. And then there was the Gym with Drew and Kristen - more shiny boy bodies to oggle.
Oh - and Jim is still annoying for anyone who cares. He was well as Abra and Mandy are off in California playing in the sun, flying kites, and going to clubs. Am I jealous, maybe. Mostly because if I were there I could go see my friend Khristian. She is still my #1 fag hag even though she is miles and miles and miles away.
That's all for now.. away I skip to pretend I am working some more.
posted by ZEUS @ 9:49 AM, 2 comments,
MORE SUMMER FUN!
Monday, June 21, 2004
OOH Did I mention that it has been raining for the last couple days and is raining a lot this morning. Makes me want to go for long walks and appreciate the greening beauty around me. (Yes that's right, the native grasses around Laramie are greening.) I must get outside and enjoy this fine weather!
posted by ZEUS @ 4:31 PM, No comment,
Solstice
YEAH! Today is the SUMMER SOLSTICE!
YEAH! Two Days ago was the NEW MOON!
Can you feel it, huh can you huh?
Today my goal will be to find a place where earth water and sky, the druidic power triad, meet. Today I will be a bit jealous of my friends who have a beach handy. Today I will take time to reflect on where I am coming from and to where I am going. Today, I will be glad that I can have some time alone to commune with the earth mother. Today is good!
posted by ZEUS @ 10:30 AM, No comment,
if I don't get more to do, this is going to be a long summer.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
So with all my friends, Jim Mandy and Abra, going off to sunny Californ-eye-a I am afraid I am going to be all alone in my blogger verse for a couple weeks. :( Oh well, I get a chance to rant and rave about them without much chance of them having the time to read my posts after they get back. YEAH! That'll teach them for going and not inviting me.
I cleaned off the desk in my cubicle today. I HAVE A DESK!
I put up my pictures of RJ at DQ Bingo in Denver. He prematurely
Bingo-lated that night. The chronology of the pictures is quite interesting. RJ taking to Chamblis. RJ walking away hanging his head. RJ with his head burred in Alexandra's crotch. Alexandra dancing with money in her hand. While that is not the whole story, only a few people actually know the truth, and this version is far more fun.
posted by ZEUS @ 11:36 AM, 3 comments,
Off My Chest - Out in the Open
Monday, June 14, 2004
So with this last Friday becoming a Federal Holiday (of sorts) with Regan's Funeral and stuff I was told I could not work. Oh darn, look at me cry. :) So I went off for a day of sleeping in until way too late, sleeping in, and eating at the new Sushi restaurant here in Laramie. MMMM Real Sushi - Really Japanese Cuisine - Really here in Laramie! It is kind of expensive as Lunch for two costed $30 but it was totally worth it.
Saturday I went to my cousin's wedding. I kinda had mixed feelings about it because I am quite sure he will not be coming to mine - should I ever get married. This whole being gay thing - you know how it goes. I went anyway, the ceremony was very beautiful, and I almost cried when they played the wedding march and when the minister lead them through the vows. Not because I really cared that much that my cousin was getting married, but more because I always cry at those parts of the wedding. The reception was fun, and some preacher type took over the Microphone in an effort to say Jesus more times than the Minister did during the ceremony. (Never being terribly religious myself, I was a little put off by the guy) I think he succeeded. Also the Bride's younger brother, all of 5-6 years old, got up to toast the newlyweds. It was hilarious when he told us that he had known his sister for a long time, and we all awed as he told the couple that it was the happiest day in his whole life. I love kids, I hope to have some one day. (This thought also scares me to death)
Sunday I went to see my dad's mom (aka grandma) at the nursing home. I don't know how many people have a family member under 70 in a nursing home - but this is an odd sight for me. Further I hate seeing my grandmother in her highly disabled state. I have a very real want to remember her as she was when I was growing up - making the world's best strawberry rhubarb pie and feeding chickens. I did it mostly for Grandma and Dad though. It does her good to get to see us kids. My dad needs the support. As a result of this trip I had a odd moment with my father during which he told me how much it meant to him that I was there. It truly was touching.
Next Thursday is my youngest brother's birthday. He will be turning 13 (10 years younger than I am). He really looks up to me, and I am making it a point to get home and drive him and his friends to Casper to bowl. It should be a blast. Mom has promised me some time to set and talk about things too. Hopefully one of us will actually be able to say the "gay" word.
Have you ever noticed how much everyone who is out to their parents forgets what the big deal is? I have known lots of people who worried about it before saying anything, some who said they never would say anything. Then they come out - and they have to tell everyone else how easy it is. Maybe it's a bit like raising kids. I have noticed a lot of parents think of growing up as a lot easier for them than it seems to be for people currently working on it. I'll probably be the same. I know how easy it probably is going to be for me when all is said and done. Maybe that is what I am afraid of.(if you read this last paragraph and feel bad, smack yourself, you shouldn't. I am just venting.)
My message to the world for this week - Smile when you get a chance - the first step to getting over any crisis is to start with a smile and a positive attitude.
posted by ZEUS @ 11:56 AM, 2 comments,
Immage Matters
Monday, June 07, 2004
So I dyed the top of my head blue. (My hair people) Now one would think that despite the minor change in my outward appearance many of my relationships would remain the same. Curriously they have not. I have had one friend scream at me for what was in this person's mind bad judgement for paying the hair bitch. However, I have made it clear that the hair bitch did exactly what I asked for. Then there have been another group of comments about how embarassing it would be to be with me in public with such radical hair.
Granted I have found that I have some very good friends too. One friend while joking with me does not judge, atleast overtly, and wants to look for another color for me too. Another couple have liked it since I had a mixture of green yellow and blue with a big patch of natural brunette in the center. For some people the person inside shows through without problems.
Ok.. so now I am learning as I write. Anyone who I hide any piece of myself from is unable to see anything I have done as a positive change. Even my parents and grandparents have been a little leery. Those with whom I do not lie see a different me. A better looking me. A more complete me. My hair is nothing - there has been no change in how I am treated. There is one exception to this, but I hide a great deal of myself from this person as a means of protection from pain.
posted by ZEUS @ 4:41 PM, 3 comments,
Way too productive
Friday, June 04, 2004
I did not know I could get this much work done in 4 hours. Here I set with 20 minutes left before I go to lunch and my morning has just wizzed by, and there is actually something to show for my efforts.
First - I posted to and or checked all of my ezboard groups. I love the Gay Young America group. I am not the oldest one there, but am by far not the youngest. Today's post was to the anacronym page. The word was Penetration. Pete Enters Niel Eagerly Topping Rapidly And Then Intakes Of Niel - not bad if I do say so myself.
Second - Finish my coming out letter to take home for mom and dad. Yes I am still working on that. Hopefully this will make things easier. It only took me another hour and a half. (for a grand total of 2.5) I did limit myself to one page. If all goes well I may post the text on here for all to read - if not I will not want to see the thing again. :D
Third - Finish the New Partner Script for an internet intervention helping gay men have safe sex. Yes I am one of those kind of people who gets paid for this kind of work. YEAH! I have been working on the damn thing all week, and for some reason today - it just flowed. YEAH! I guess I get to keep my job for one more week. JK.
Fourth - New blog! Now off to check everyone else's with 15 minutes to spare.
Jim is annoying - today not so much really becasue I owe him some credit for proofreading my coming out letter. (Mandy helped too!) Oh wait, I know why Jim is annoying, because he almost broadcast to a room full of next year's freshmen that I am a pedophile. Ok not really - long inside joke. Thanks to Drew for shutting off the projector!
posted by ZEUS @ 11:38 AM, 1 comment,
This is FUN
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Raver Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Who else isn't suprised by the line "easily distracted by bright shiny objects?
More later when I decide something is worth blogging.
Jim=annoying - becasue of the hair bitch fun we had last night
posted by ZEUS @ 8:40 AM, No comment,
Today seems to be a day worthy of blog, yet there is nothing much of note. I get to go to the hair bitch today. YEAH! I am thinking about black hair with blue highlights. Abra told me she would jump my bones if I did it. That was enough of a Hell Yes for me to decide to go for it. (as long as Leah has the right colors) Drew and I have plans to go work out this evening, go bowling, and go watch the season premiere of Queer Eye with Jim. One would think that this would be worthy of writing entire paragraphs - especially with TWINS on the Queer Eye episode this week. mmmmm Twins. All I need is a Budweiser. hehe. Yes I am probably one of the straightest gay men in the whole world. I don't worry about that though. I know who I am, and that is what matters.
The birds are chirping, the sky is blue and I am quite confident the temperature is above 60 degrees. Yet for some reason I have figured out how to be trapped inside. Oh yeah -job! Money! Oh well. I am still only working 20hrs/wk so I have a good half a day of play time. Maybe I will go cruise frat row with my "no tops allowed" shirt. tee hee. Yeah, like that will ever happen.
Wow, look at that, I blogged and I didn't even have to try. Hey look over there --> "I know who I am, and that is what matters."
posted by ZEUS @ 9:50 AM, 1 comment,
Gaydar
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
We interrupt my previously scheduled Drama for some FUN! Drama later girls I promise.
We all know what Gaydar is. But, have you ever had to explain it to someone. Can you really tell someone else how you know that someone else is gay. I have thought of a new way. From on high comes a new explanation of Gaydar - for the nerd in all of us.
Gaydar is like the sense immortals have in the Highlander series for sensing one another. (Yet another gay "thing" out of that show.) Remember how if a really strong immortal came around Duncan could sense him from like miles away, but that Richie (WAY HOTT) generally had to enter the building before Duncan knew he was around? Well this is just like Gaydar. Say you are out at a dance club and there are straights and gays. Some gays show up on the ol' Gaydar as soon as they enter the door. It is like.. swish.. look.. yup he's gay! Sometimes you have to bump up against a guy to feel the spark, or maybe even talk to him. The stronger the flame the farther away you can tell that someone is gay. Get it now? I thought you might. The major difference is if you don't like him in the Highlander you cut his head off. If you like what your Gaydar finds- you go try to stab him another way.
Jim told me to blog this - and is still annoying.
posted by ZEUS @ 9:08 AM, 1 comment,
